Monday, August 29, 2011

i dont know what to say about this.

i was leaving. in a hurry. flopped my stuff into the back seat. opened up the car door. stuck my right leg in so i could flop my butt in the driver's seat.  in one swinging motion i had flung open the car door, raised my leg and pivoted so that i could get in the car. but as the door opened wider and i got closer to the car, the sunlight poured in and illuminated something small(er-than-a-golfball-but-bigger-than-a-nickel) racing away from the area where my foot was targeting and up toward the steering wheel. my foot was still hovering in the air, about level with the seat, and i was about to lose my balance. i jumped back and gasped for air. i'm sure an "oh my god" came out somewhere in there. it was, really, the sudden motion of the nickel-golfball that startled me. really. it was. till i realized that there was a spider web the size of a dinner plate delicately placed in the space below the steering wheel where my legs would have gone. perfectly facing the opening of the door, so the sunshine illuminated every strand. and the nickel-golfball? a giant spider. NOT a daddy long-legs, either. (i know what you're thinking. exaggeration, you say. it was probably smaller than a fly, you say. F you, I say.)

as soon as it saw my foot hurdling towards its brand new home, it skittered up to the steering wheel, and just sat there, on the steering wheel, on the lower edge closest to the door. it was fat. tan. striped. maybe spotted. fat abdomen. short fat legs. obese, really. a porker. probably ate mcdonalds for dinner last night. and breakfast. and then me for lunch.

and just to show how facebook has ruined me, i stood there for a millisecond and told myself i should take a picture of this monster in my car. but alas, i was too busy gasping for air, flapping my jazz hands and cursing. i looked around to see if there was help. a couple walking across the street. they looked as friendly as my stowaway. "'scuse me sir could you come take care of this for me? and please dont knock me out and steal my car." 

i stumbled a little bit as i talked myself into putting my big-kid pants on and killing it with my sparkly purple flip flop. i still couldn't breathe and almost died when i took my hand off my heart, like it was holding it in place. so i manned up and flicked my shoe at it. i heard a pop like a zit, and it squirted a gob of spider goo at the steering console, and as luck would have it, my wheel was turned slightly to the right, so the goo gobbed up in the big gap that was waiting to catch it. and a leg or two was left on the wheel itself.

so what now? i am NOT driving with goo on my steering wheel. it will drip onto my leg and turn me into some spiderman-reject-crossed-with-sloth-from-the-goonies. so i did what anyone would do. i got my phone out of the backseat and sent a text message to my husband explaining i would be late for lunch because i had an epic battle with a 'giant fucking spider' in my car. i gasped a little more. jazz hands-ed a little more. and then finally walked to the other side of the car.

i opened the glove box, pulled out a napkin and walked back to the driver's side, having left the driver's door wide open. i contemplated the seriousness of the task at hand. i was going to touch giant spider goo with only a napkin protecting my bare skin from spiderman-reject-crossed-with-sloth-from-the-goonies cuties. i folded the napkin a couple of times, thanking all gods that it was one of those giant hefty restaurant napkins so that i could get a good stiff edge on the fold. then i bent down and scooped the goo out of the crack of the steering console, which was glistening so goo-ily in the sunlight. not wanting to cross-contaminate, i looked at the steering wheel to assess the damage there. since it was only a leg or two, i decided it was not worth it to wipe it off with the gooey napkin.

i had to dispose of the napkin, but trash day was not today, so i had no choice but to throw the goo on the ground and shout to the neighbors that may or may not have been watching that i was "sorry to litter but its giant spider goo!" and then promptly stomped on the napkin, cuz, y'know, mazel tov, and all that. then i destroyed the web with my shoe, more jazz hands and panting and cursing, and got in the car and drove to base with my fingertips on the top of the wheel.

hubbs, dear as he is, wiped up the whole steering wheel, floor, and door with a wipey when we got to subway. i am no longer leaving my windows cracked when i park. never again. F that. I'd rather sweat. I'm only thankful that i found and killed it before i even got in the car because i would have died on the freeway if it crawled up my leg while i was driving. its the small things that save the day.