sincerely, your adoring fan

dear allposters.com,
although i find it utterly annoying that you post a print multiple times, i still love you. perhaps you will one day streamline the way you list your goods so that my filtered searches are less than 3,000. becauase, you know, the reality is that there are only 1,000 results but you have listed the art print, giclee print, and pre-famed options all separately. and do not sort them by the image itself, so option a may be seven pages before option b, inevitably making me look at all three listings. i hate that it takes so long to sift through your pages to find the diamond in the rough.
but, admittedly, i did look through all 3,000 listings because i was affraid i would miss something terrific. liek a moth to the flame i obsessively clicked 'next' in a fever i have never felt before. you tease me in a wicked way, allposters.com.
in the end my obsession paid off because i did find several perfect prints for my kitchen. but alas, my budget contraints will keep us separated for sometime to come. until then, i shall daydream of you.
someday, my dear, i'll be able to tickle your shopping cart with my debit card number and you will lovingly ship to me the goods of my desires.

someday, my dearest, someday.

and so the new year begins like this...

new year's eve, i had to work until 7. we had planned to have dinner, then go to our neighbor's house for a bit and early to bed since JM had duty friday morning at 7am. well, i came home with a very big headache. we had dinner, then sat down for tea and a movie, and were in bed by 11. oops.

friday, the hubbs went to work and i cooked a garam masala chicken/squash/spinach curry-ish and took it to him on the ship. we ate lunch together and i went back home to settle into a day of cleaning.

i super scrubbed the kitchen, then the living dining rooms, meanwhile dirtying the kitchen again. i steamed the curtains, watched a couple movies, some fraggle rock, played with the dog. rearranged the living room. it was good.

saturday, the hubbs came home early int he morning, i woke to him making coffee. we hung a new shelf in the living room. fiddled around the house for a while. then we went off to have dinner with his grandfather's old world war 2 and fellow pearl harbor survivor buddy, John Morrill. The man is getting on 90 and is still sharp and able. he gave his life story, more or less, and talked our ears off. what a man. living history. lonely, and so kind. i cant wait to see him again.

we came home and watched 9. i dont care what anyone said - i loved it. it was so creative, and the 'beasts' were fabulously creepy. cant wait to add that one to my dvd list.

this morning, we woke, made coffee, fiddled around. then took the dog for a long walk around the neighborhood. we brought her home to nap and then the hubbs and i went to balboa park and walked nearly all of it. we went through the international houses and stuffed myself on various cakes. it has been overcast, but not windy or cold, the weather was perfect for a long walk. we had a great time. i spyed the dog park there and cant wait to take grainne.

meanwhile, trying to plan a slumber party with mom and sis while the hubbs is away. he has duty again tomorrow so we're finishing up laundry and packing for his trip. its only 4pm but we've already had such a rich day. and we vowed to have more like this, rather than on the couch. its a bad habit we fall into all the time.gotta take advantage of what SD has to offer. otherwise its no good to us.

i have most of this upcoming week off, so i'm looking forward to finalizing all the cleaning that needs to be done to start the year off right, and then on to crafting!

therapy cyber-window shopping

As the year of terror winds down (knock on wood), I find myself in the holiday shopping spirit (i.e. therapy shopping spirit) but without the means to actually do so. So I'm spending the morning daydreaming and wandering around the online shops of this wonderful crazy holiday season.

Its been cold and cloudy, a bit windy, with black clouds looming in the horizon this weekend. We're expecting a downpour, perhaps tomorrow. On top of this, its frigid at work -they never turned off the AC when summer went away. Three nights ago I found myself wearing a sweater under my tee shirt instead of the usual long sleeve tee combo, and on top of that had to put o

n a sweat shirt. I've been wearing knit gloves and a scarf too. Silly, it seems, but it helps.

So today I find myself addicted to knits...

This piece by Vickie0908 on Etsy is reserved for someone, so it can't be purchased. However, its a testament to this crafter's skill.

This scarf, though I'm not sure how functional it would be at work, is extremely beautiful and would be a lovely accessory for any outfit this season!

Since we've moved into our new place, I've taken it upon myself to redecorate. (surprise surprise) For eons, we had everything Oriental in various reds and blacks and tans, and frankly that gets old. I really want to incorporate my ecclectic style in some world market sort of way.

(and swap my husband's blacks and blues for bright colors :)

So, our new kitchen is dreamed to be vintage farmer's market inspired in bright tomato red and avocado green. That's harder than it sounds, actually... But here are two prints I found on Etsy that seem to share my color palette.

Honeytree has this delightful print of a farmers market stand taken in Nice, France. And wouldnt you know, the artist shares a name with my pup, Grainne :)

The green gate is a perfect match to our fruit printed towels from Target!

We have a little joke, my husband and I, taken from a Hoops and Yoyo ecard I sent him a few years ago. Those little characters crack us up, and there was a Thinking of You card with a dozen little sayings...one of which was "Mmmmm you smell gooooood. You smell like bacon!" And there you have it. What a compliment!

Nicodemusgreen has a sugar skull rendition of his "Bacon is like a little hug from god" print in the

avocado green I adore! It's too cute not to have hanging above your stove.

Speaking of little jokes between us...

my husband and I have both developed (seperately, before we met, I might add) an odd addiction with farm animals. Not just any animals, mind you, but

specifically my love/hate relationship with chickens and his worship of goats.

...I know, that's why we get along so well.

Sharon Montrose has this great photographic print of a Nubian Goat that would be perfect for his desk, beside his favorite demotivational calendar!

...and an ipod docking station made from cedar!

Before he enlisted in the NAVY, my husband was a woodworker; making, installing and designing kitchens, cabinetry, etc... With a few little fun personal projects on the side. He made a beautiful treasure box for my birthday this year....

He loves cedar, more than any other material.

This handmade cedar ipod docking station by Woodtec lit up his eyes when he saw the photo.

I could go on, and on, and on with all the fabulous treats found on Etsy. But for now, I'll keep this list short :) Perhaps each week I'll seek a few more. I know quite a few bloggers have a weekly feature of good finds in the handmade market, which is a great way to promote other artists, and those lists are quite fun... so I'm thinking of doing it myself. I guess this will be the first installation!

So farewell for now, and I hope holiday shopping finds you well!

xo, hz

i woke this morning from an emotional dream and laid there for a long while staring at the ceiling, tracing the pattern of the curtains with my eyes. thinking of arguments i've had; things i should have said instead. people that have come and gone. listening to my husband breathe. feel the cold. pull the blanket closer to my chin. snuggle a little more. rearrange events to make them make more sense. think of my dream and what it said. wish i could remember what was written on that little girls eyes. begin to doze off. pull the blanket closer. bark. get out of bed. let dog out. watch her pee in the yard through the blinds. overflow the coffee pot. begin to clean. delint pillows and rugs. dishes. dust. sort mail. pay bills. listen to damien rice. breathe. deeply.

watch the light pass through vertical blinds and pinstripe my computer screen. magnolias bouncing in their vase as my fingertips tap on the keys. iron and wine. red lady bugs against a yellow backdrop, one inside my mug peeking up through the coffee horizon. toes are cold. red fuzzy socks. cars and people pass by. dog naps. butter melts. oven heats. smell cinnamon. the furnace exhales. as i do. we all do. and that breath is gone. forever. perhaps wasted. perhaps not. perhaps.

today i am a camera. but there is not just mechanical clickings and electrical charges and openings and closings and lights and shadows. there is a cesspool of experiencing and of feeling and of tearless crying and of laughing and of remembering and of not knowing.

*******************************

the dream:

there was more. i wrote it. and lost it. the most important pieces are this:

i tried so hard to stop them, i pleaded and i begged and i tried to yell at them. but i am small. and i am quiet and i am not old. and they ignored me. and as i tried so hard i retreated into that cold gray room with the wooden door that leads to the closet of my teenage years. i hid them in there, weezul and azreal. they were hunting them, and i denied their existence to try and save them. then the people all set up in my bedroom with their computers and their machinery and their gadgets and they wouldnt leave. and i didnt want to stand directly in front of the door because they would know i was hiding something in there. but he had watched me put them in there. he knew. and when he saw how intent she was on catching them, he turned on her. and he tried to help me. but they expelled him. and i was alone in this fight. each time i stepped away from the door to verbally pursue them, i looked back to see the door was open, and i had to close it again. but i cant stand too close or they will know. so i stepped away, and it opened again. and i closed it again, and it repeated several times. until finally, he came to me, through the crowded room, with a child in his arms. and with him, like a beam of light, it all made sense, and my struggle was lifted, and it didnt seem to matter anymore, these people that i was fighting against. in his arms was a young girl, perhaps one or two years old. blind. not blind, actually, without eyes. white spheres inserted where her beautiful eyes would be. and on them, the same inscription as was on his chest. with my fingers i reached out and closed her soft eyelids. i stroked the bridge of her nose and read aloud his wish for her, as was tattooed on their skin. it brought tears to my eyes.

i repeated it to myself over and over so i wouldnt forget it when i woke.

but all i remember was that her name was salfa.

today

hubbs had a tube implanted in his mouth at the top of his gums where his upper lip meets the upper gum - where his incision was from fixing his cheekbone. it got infected and needs to drain. cah cah

17 nov

first full day back to school. got a lot of catching up to do. jm is eating chunky soup and had a little garlic bread mush. perhaps things are looking up a little.

15 nov 09

work today. it was ok. hard to deal with everyone asking how we are holding up. hard to talk to pam today, and to hear her cry. at some point, i'll have to come back and explain whats happened this week. i dont have the energy now.

the downward spiral

and so it seems our previous landlord is willing to 'split' the difference with us, charging us nearly $700 in 'split' rent and repairs, but quoted our return at only $800, which means either they cant add or they're totally ripping us off. the repairs, by the way, were all on damages we reported when we moved in. but conveniently, they have 'lost' our check-in sheet from both the move-in and the move-out. so they cannot prove them either way. and we cant either. furthermore, in researching my rights, it seems they were supposed to provide us, in writing, an itemized request to make repairs prior to their keeping our deposit, which they did not, and they are beyond their 21 calendar day limit in keeping any funds.

so if my interpretations are correct, we are to receive our deposit in full.

however, cheryl schaumberg is now 'with another client' and will not take our call, nor will she comply with our request to return our call tomorrow i'm sure.

as soon as we can, we're going to navy legal.

neither of our schedules is forgiving at this time and we cant seem to find a moment together that we can sit in line at the legal dept for hours on end. cross your fingers for us.

oh, wait. there's more.

This just in:

JM's uniform allowance on his last check was about $300, but his uniforms will cost about $500. ha.

SWC (Southwestern College, where I currently attend) begins registration for Spring 2010 on Monday, Nov 9, 2009. My registration 'appointment' isnt until Nov 17th at 2pm. Guaranteed that classes I need will be gone. I seriously need to consider transferring to another community college, but all are facing similar problems. So is it worth it? I have to pay for my classes within 5 days of registering, or I will be dropped from all unpaid classes to make room for another student, which due to budget constraints and a rise in need, will be more strict than ever. Thanks uncle navy, cuz I can't afford to pay my own tuition next year.

SDSU (San Diego State University) has announced that it is not letting any more students attend classes in Spring 2010.Aless students will be able to attend university. Those who are accepted to begin classes next fall will be paying $600 more than students that started there this fall. The Transfer Agreement Guarantee between SDSU and SWC that currently guarantees transfer eligibility between schools is now being modified. It will state that 100% of pre-transfer requirements will have to be completed at SWC, and since SWC is cutting 467 classes there's a good chance those classes wont exist. What that means is this: Almost no one will be covered in that agreement because if a student cannot get a class they need through SWC they will not be guaranteed transfer to SDSU via the community college transfer program.

Leaving no stone unturned, California budget constraints have also forced UCs (University of California, located all over the state) to implement tuition hikes (not once, but twice) and enrollment cuts by approx 4,600 students. CSUs (California State Universities, also with multiple locations) will be cutting enrollment by 40,000 over the next year.

What does this mean? I'm phukd.

Now, I write a letter to Mr Obama.

backfire week

so apparently, the proverbial world is crashing down.

in the last five days I have managed to lose faith in school, work, and my closest friends. and i almost lost the cat and the dog, while plummeting down the back stairs with JM's bike.

so last weekend was one of my very best friend's wedding. four of us girls, who were once inseperable, were to get together and spend friday getting our nails done, then have lunch, then decorate the reception hall and do the rehearsal and dinner. with animosities between parties aplenty, it was apparent to me that this group of girls just isnt what it used to be. all weekend, there were cat fights, shit talking, crying and cold shoulders.

tuesday, in my favorite class, the teacher sat down and opened class with a discussion about giongs on on campus. last thursda there was a studen rally protesting issues raised by budget cuts. apparently, the school has decided to cut 467 classes, laying off 300 teachers, which is approx 25% of all classes offered. Meanwhile, the president has given himself and a handful of administrators a big fat raise. what this means is, that classes that are already hard to come by because of the rediculous registration 'priority' appointments and 'waitlist' procedure this school endures, less 467 classes means there will be students frantic to get into classes. and no classes for them to get into. which also means that students that were in line to finish their general eds in spring (like me) and were planning to transfer to state in the fall (like me) may not be able to because there is a giant chance they cant get into the classes they need to complete. and state university is facing giant budget cuts as well, so there will be no soft admission for students that havnt completed all of there classes on time, no student may have lingering classes to finish during the summer, as they MUST be done in the fall. We've also been advised that 2yr degrees are taking 3-4 years and 4year degrees are taking 6-7 just because of budget constraints on schools.

furthermore, we found that after the rally last week, a few students and faculty marched to the presidents office, and because of a similar protest last year that ended badly, the president has a no tolerance policy for the first ammendment. four teachers were served that night with letters banning them from campus. they cannot finish teaching their classes. which also means that nearly 120 students are unable to finish they classes as planned, unless they decide to stick it out with whatever substitute is sent their way.

(oh yeah, by the way, last week i found out that my tuition reimbursement program is being cancelled. so as of the 23rd of october, i have no more tuition assistance from uncle navy.)

wednesday, feeling oh so down, i get a couple of crappy emails from one of my aforementioned girlfriends and it just set me over the edge. i sent a plea to all parties involved letting them know that i just dont understand what wedge has driven itself between them since i moved away last year and i hope they can fix it. well that backfired. now they are all fighting, no one is talking to me, and i feel like an asshole. it seems that my attempt to open the lines of communication and get everyone to like each other again has only amounted to everyone being tight lipped about whats going on in their lives and will only wear a much bigger false face than before. so be it.

that night, i found out something rediculous happened at work. last monday was our inventory. we had too much backstock, according to the district manager. so two days later, when i got back to work, all the backstock was gone. all of it. asking any questions was staunched by one word answers and managers quickly walking away. there was something wrong, we all knew it, but no one was talking about it. a general uncomfortableness swept in. well apparently, the brilliance of the two leading managers felt it was a good idea to put the backstock in the attic. like shoving all your stuff under the bed when mom tells you to clean your room when you're five.

someone then called the district manager and ratted them out. he stormed through the store, into the attic, found it was true, and ripped some new assholes. of course, no one is talking about this. and the whole store is uncomfortable.

they made the whole crew look like assholes. i feel like they made a fool out of all of us, even though only a couple people were involved. i feel lied to. i feel disrespected. i feel totally uncomfortable there now. and i dont want to work for people who play games like that. but what else can i do?

there's now 300 more people laid off in san diego county, whats there for me to do without flipping burgers?

then last night, i found out my husband is leaving in january afterall, the day after my birthday, for three months.

and today, i put the 'good behavior' collar a friend gave me on the cat, and he immediately ran out the back door, down the stairs and under the neighbor's car. followed by the dog hauling ass down the back stairs chasing the neighbor's cat out into the middle of the road, while i almost fell down the stairs with JM's bike.

on top of it all, we got effed by JM's mission reimbursement. so, it seems, we sincerely cannot catch a break this year. and i dont know how much more i can take. i'm really down right now.

it seems that things with the best intentions really are the worst things to do.

an experiment

yestserday, and thursday for that matter, i tried to keep a mental record of how many people politely asked "how are you?" after i had asked them first. the results were depressing.

for example, a polite, albeit insincere, converstation may go something like this:
"hello! How are you today?"
"I'm great. How are you?"
"I'm doing well, thank you. Did you find everything ok today?"
"I did! this spinich dip is fabulous..."

you get the idea.

However, more than 50% of the people that came through my line didnt return any polite conversation at all. It was more like this:

"Hi, how are you today?"
"fine."

With which the coversation ends and as I bag their groceries in silence, with a twinge of irritation at their obvious rudeness, I pinch their bread and put heavy things on top of their tomatoes.

Even if you dont like me, think I look weird, or are having a shitty day, at least play the public image politics and be nice to the person who is working on a Saturday to serve you.