brain is buzzing

i just bought this book "one-yard wonders" by rebecca yaker and patricia hoskins. its 101 sewing projects that use just one yard of fabric. you can take a look at some of the projects on amazon. i am so excited i cant stand it. i've already put together $100 wish list on the website of my local fabric bazaar. and oh yes, tiffany, we are going to SAS.

i'm going to learn how to sew. then i'm going to take over the world.

....i know. i KNOW. its just one more craft addiction that i don't really have the time or space for. but i'm gonna do it anyway. 

grouch.

the dog barfed on the living room rug. then ate it. the cat peed on the bathroom rug. three times. i think he's getting a UTI again. and is chewing all of his hair off. again. so i spend too much time digging in my closet and begin to run late for school. when i get there, i see parking-ticket-guy issuing tickets already. so i find a space far away from normal, walk to the daily-permit machine, and it wont take my money. so i walk back to my car and drive all the way to the front of campus and park in the visitor section so i can get change and try to buy a permit. the lady tells me there's a change machine behind the building (wtf isnt it next to the permit machine?!). so i walk over. get change for the only $5 bill in my wallet - hooray! $5 in quarters! i walk back to the permit machine, pay my $3 in quarters to get my dinky little parking permit for the day, and walk back to my, get in it, and drive all the way around to the first parking lot i was in. fortunately, now i can find a space closer to where i need to be and park in it. i make a point of placing the permit in the center of my windsheild where it cant be covered by the military stickers or other nonsense. i go to class. i walk all the way back to my car. there's a parking ticket. three inches away from the parking permit. WTF?! i peel it off. read it, thinking this cant be real, is that guy an I-D-ten-T or what? well, yes, he is, because he put my license as a CA plate. so anyway, i get in my car and drive all the way back to the lady in the little police building next to the visitor's lot. she tells me she cant help me, i have to go to the campus police office in the center of campus. well F, i have another class to go to. so i get back in my car, drive back all the way around campus and park, fortunately, right outside my next class. still 45 minutes to burn, so i walk to the campus police office. she cant do anything if i still have a class to go to because she wants to keep my parking permit to void the ticket. so i walk all the way back to my car, half expecting there to be another ticket in the window (there wasn't, thank goodness for him) and sit for a minute. hot and angry, i want a soda. my water is hot, i'm hot, i'm starting to feel a sinus infection coming on, my head hurts, i need a soda. so i grab $1.25 in my new shiny quarters and head to the cafeteria. never been in there before, lets see what they have to offer. no soda's under $1.40, foundtain drink is cheapest at $1.20, but without my ID (which i left int he car) they charge sales tax and i wouldn't have enough. so i wander to a soda machine. no cans. all bottles. no prices. the smallest bag of cheetos was a $1.25 so i figured the soda would be worse. when did they get so expensive? water was even more pricey in the cafe and i decided i couldnt afford to look at juice! so walked back to my car. grumbled, and decided to ditch my next class and take my grumpy ass home and go back to bed.
i get home. i let the dog out. i wash the cat. and i make a sandwich. that was it, for a few hours i lay on the couch burning up and ignoring the tv. i tried to read a textbook but i couldnt digest anything.
thanks poor schools for cutting back on your janitorial services and keeping your classroom dirty and germ-infested. i've been in class one week and am already sick. every semester here, EVERY ONE, i get sick right at the beginning and it throws me off for a while, i get behind in class and have to work hard to catch up. stupid public schools. stupid california. grumble grumble grumble...

that kind of day

so i'm sitting at the dining table on the computer. the windows are all open because there's no a/c. its a quiet sunday, just the occasional car or airplane, no music, no tv, nuthin. alluvasudden there's a loud scratching at the dining room window, that makes both myself and the dog jump. grainne stands up and peers out the window, and i'm staring trying to figure out what it was. the tree branch scraping the window? no... its a bougainvillea, no branches. the screen is flapping around, looks like it came loose on the bottom. need to call the landlord to see if she'll have someone come out and fix that one and the one in the kitch - SCCCCRRRRRAAAAAAATCH! MEOW! MEOW! and little azreal head pops into the window from the outside.

apparently his dumb ass fell out of the window, which is what knocked the screen loose, just like in the kitchen, and he was trying to climb up the wall to get back in the window. i had to go outside, around the house, and coax him in the front door

no more family guy before bed.

i dreamed last night that a friend found azreal and a kitten in the hands of some bastard little kid who was 'making sandwiches' out of them by pressing them onto hot skillets on the stove, and burned their skin on both their backs and bellies. we had to clean them up and peel crispy black skin off them and try to help them heal. and i also dreamed that rebecca and i were in taco bell, and before our order came up, when it was all sprawled on the counter, a group of people came in behind us and threw their little kid onto the counter to 'go find us some service' and he smooshed my cheeesy gordita crunch. so i pulled the kid off the counter and started a fight with the giant fat bald man who started the whole thing, then when large fights ensued i took the kid and ran. wtf is wrong with me?

Summer Fruit Galette

If you're anything like me, you get really excited to see fresh fruit overflowing in the grocery stores. I buy and buy and buy and then only eat and e.... so much of it begins to turn before I can eat it all. Well, this summer I found a super delicious way to use up fruit that may just be a bit too ripe to bite in to - a homemade fruit galette!

This is the easy version, using all ready-to-use-at-purchase ingredients:

1 Trader Joe's frozen pie crust (because its already rolled flat and perfectly round, and because I'm rolling pin-retarded)
1 egg white
A peach or two, and a handful of blackberries
A handful of shortbread cookies
A couple spoonfuls of sugar
A sprinkle of cinnamon

Since this pie crust is frozen, just let it sit until it reaches room temperature, or a little cooler. You'll want it to be pliable.

Slice your fruits. I used a peach and a handful of blackberries. You can use any combination you can imagine - apples and blueberries, blueberries and pears, strawberries, raspberries, cherries... anything goes!









Crumble a few shortbread cookies into a small bowl. The only shortbread cookies I could find have bits of fruit filling in them, so I just crumbled around the center and nibbled on the filling as I went along.

I lined a cookie sheet with foil, but if you have a baking stone that would work great too. Lay out your pie crust, and sprinkle the cookie crumbles in the center to within 2 inches of the outer edge. Lay out your fruit in any pattern that you fancy. Sprinkle with a spoonful of sugar and drizzle with honey. You can substitute brown sugar if you like. (Here, I used organic turbinado sugar from Trader Joe's.)

Fold up the edges to wrap around the fruit. You'll have to crease the pie crust to get it to fold up tightly, and can pinch the ends a bit if you need to.













Brush the outside with your egg white, and sprinkle with sugar and cinnamon.

Bake at 350 until edges are golden brown. You'll find that the fruit filling will produce a lot of juice, and I found it best to let it cool completely before serving to let the filling set. You can heat it up again briefly before serving if you prefer it warm. With ice cream :)

baubles

so i finally got my craft space cleaned up (mostly). and immediately mucked it up again. BUT, i made some perdy baubles. now i'm on a hunt for their perfect matching ribbons, and will have them up in my etsy shop within the week :)

totally frustrated.

i ran out of cereal. i thought the world would end.

today, i bought cereal, and on those cereal boxes were 'box tops for education' coupons. so i clipped them.

and then i googled it, cuz i have no clue how this works. so after a daunting 5 minute search through their website without getting any clear information about this program and how it works (other than lists and lists of products that qualify), i figured i would have to sign up for it to get more details.

so i did, and then i didnt get any more info. in fact, i even researched a few schools in my area to find one that looked like they could really use the help, but still couldnt find a 'hey dummy, this is how the program works' page. all i want to know is what to do with the stupid coupons after i cut them out!

finally, after ten minutes and talking myself out of giving up, i checked the faq page to find one little sentence that says 'send your coupons to your school's coordinator and they'll send in the coupons for the school'.

ok. whew. check on the school, and ... what? no address, no phone number, and the coordinator 'has chosen not to receive emails for the box tops program'. well no f*ing wonder they've only raised $25!!

what now? i'm going to eat said cereal and calm my nerves, then choose another school - preferably one with a contact who doesn't want to be a secret.

UPDATE: school #2 - ..sigh.. they don't even have a coordinator for this program.

dream. t- 51 days

work in progress: tim t kidnapped my husband, but left clues all over town for me to figure out how to find him. although i couldnt figure it out. i was getting desparate, but knew that jm wouldnt be harmed. it was a puzzle tim wanted me to figure out.

twilight lighting, very green, foresty, swampy kind of setting. there were two men with me, i think one was local sheriff, a friend trying to help rather than a police investigation, and another friend who's face i never saw. first clue was a cardboard box left under a seat in the back of an old abandoned school bus in the swampy area. sheriff stayed outside the bus, the other man followed me but stayed towards the front of the bus. upon picking it up, i could hear hundreds of crickets, and something much much larger moving around. i tried to carry it out of the bus hastily, but it fell open, and a very large lizard came out, and he was mad. i cant remember what i called it, but i knew it was poisonous. so i had to swiftly maneuver around it, over seats, etc, to get out before it bit me. i recognized the lizard, and knew it had something to do with a place my husband had been.

after following another clue, i ended up at the bottom of a white stairwell, lit with a bunch of natural light from windows on the first floor, though it seemed where i was was basement level. i heard someone on the stairs and i was seconds from catching them, when suddenly i found a digital photo holder on the stairs, and i knew it was for me. it was short video of my husband telling me he loved me and urged me to hurry up and find him. then he included two videos of songs i loved, but i knew they had greater meaning. one was a man, one was a woman - though i cannot remember now what songs they were.

i went to a little eatery to sort it all out. i think i knew the poeple that worked there, or maybe i was just friendly with them from having been there before. either way, i chose a small two seater table near the cook station, that overlooked the dining area, only separated by a half-wall. it was a little dark, only lit by the large windows up front, and sort of cozy, intimate. the waitress brought me a menu, but stood there urging me to pick something without letting me read it. so i chose some sort of flavored hummus and pita. when she left, an older woman, perhaps in her 50's or 60's sat at my table across from me. she had short curly hair, she was petite and a little frail, wearing a peachy colored shirt, no makeup. i had all of the clues in my hands, fumbling through them. i was on the verge of figuring it out but felt like i needed to talk it through with someone.

i began to tell her but she stopped me, telling me stanley (sheriff friend) had already told her. instantly i wasupset that he was telling the world about my dilemma but decided to let it go and accept help from any direction. so i began reading clues to her, and the closer i got to putting it together. but i woke up, and that was that.

giving my hubbs the world

working on giant bizzle map.


A giant map for my hubbs to pin all the places he's been. I didn't mean for it to be this big.. but uh, its freakishly giant.






UPDATE: it looks GREAT hanging on our dining room wall :) You can get an idea of how big it is, at 4 ft tall by 6 ft wide.

the hokey pokey.

well, everyone has their story. Where we came from, things we've endured, what has happened to us along the way. This morning I would have sat you down and hunkered down for the long winded story of my “fatherless” childhood, parental ups and downs, ill funded education woes, ten years of working two jobs without being able to catch a break, being separated from my husband, leaving the only home i've ever known to move to San Diego without a friend, without a job; and year later no prospect of either. Etc. Etc. Etc. i'm sure you've heard it all before :)

i've been feeling jilted, being here. I've made a couple of 'buddies' but no one I would truly call a friend. No one I feel like I can really count on, or call on when I want to get out and feel good about my day. I've not been able to find work anywhere near what I had in Phoenix, and set out on the community college path for the third time, only this time as my main goal. I've been struggling with guilt: on one hand, hating my life even though i've chosen every bit of it. Feeling miserably lonely when my husband is not home (which is a lot) and subconciously resenting him for 'doing this to me'. You know, choosing to sell his soul to the government we so adamantly despised and repeatedly leave me while he wanders the earth trying every beer known to man. And the other hand, well, just feeling guilty for not being able to be truly happy 'following' him around like I promised myself I would. Feeling guilty for secretly resenting this life.

It seemed like all I could do here was bend over and 'take another one for the team'. It was one shot after another. Every time we tried to look up we got tripped up by something else bad that was happening to us. And then my husband got his face kicked in, and I was told to go to the hospital at 4am on a Sunday morning. Fortunately, his condition wasn't severe or life threatening, though it scared the shit out of me. Sitting beside him in the hospital, while he was still unconscious and unaware of my presence, I laid my head on the bed beside him and sank into a whirlwind of thought, and not-thought, and dizziness, and everything all at once. I caught myself walking myself through the story I read in my religions class about the Buddhist man who talked about mourning the loss of his wife. He explained that it would be disrespectful to the universe to hang his head in sorrow; that he didnt own her, and by attaching himself to her loss and holding onto that sorrow it would only dishonor life itself. And I tried to do that. And even though I had acknowledged my sincere interest in it several times, I realized how much the religions class I was taking really meant. And how this seemed to reset all of my priorities: my husband is alive, we are side by side, and nothing else really matters. Not a thing. And that helped me carry on for a while, helping him eat baby food and blending odd things into mush for him, taking care of him made me feel good. But when he was back to normal and healing well, it was far too easy for the both of us to get wrapped up in daily humdrum nonsense and get angry at the world all over again.

the professor i had for world religions was the only one who said anything worth listening to, in my opinion. it was like he reached in and grabbed a hold of me and in a room full of strangers began talking just to me. Like that oldie but goodie 'killing me softly'. As counter-intuitive as it may have been, I attached myself to him a bit, and really did go out of my way to attend his class even if I didnt take any other. It has been my favorite class of all the classes i've taken in my life, and his presentation and perspective has been the most meaningful.

as luck (mine or his lackthereof, haha) would have it, i became a 'fan' of his professional page on FB. many weeks later, there was a posting for a class he was to teach at The Unity Center, sort of an alternative, all encompassing 'church'. at the last moment, i signed up and off i went. My heart dropped into my stomach when I first pulled in and realized it was a large building in an industrial area (not very spiritual looking at all) and I had miniature waking nightmares of the culty christian churches that broadcast on 15 networks and exorcise gay minority homeless paraplegic down-syndrome pedophiles in front of a live studio audience. What was I getting myself into?

I walked in, ascended the carpeted stairs to the chapel room and was greeted by a nice looking man with an oddly soft voice for his body, and a nice lady who helped me initial the attendance sheet and grab a binder. The carpet was soft, like new, but that awful mauvey rose color that grandmas keep in their bedrooms in Miami. I sat up front so I could see, and then panicked at the thought that in such a small room professor might recognize me and freak out, thinking I was stalking him and invading his personal life.

i felt totally out of place. religion was never my forte. in fact when i was in the third grade, my friend asked me what religion i was and i told her i was a Capricorn... prior to these classes, i had stepped foot in church only twice in my life for anything other than a wedding. the first was when i was three or four and i visited my cousin's mormon church, where i attended her sunday school class and all we talked about was flowers (or at least that's how i took it when i was that age, when really it was about god's gift of life, etc); and subsequently made me stand up in front of a room full of strange kids and asked me to sing a song i didnt know (the 'who is new to this church' welcoming song, which i wasnt asked to sing at all, but it scared the crap out of me having to stand up in front that crowd - thanks for the next 25 years of public speaking phobia! haha) and i cried my eyes out. secondly, in gradeschool, i went to sunday school once with my best-friend-of-the-week because they gathered the kids afterward for formal dancing lessons, where we learned to ballroom dance with real boys; and i got to lead the bunny hop...

but let me preface this by saying this is not really a 'church' I guess. Its not christian or jewish or hindu or buddhist. Although, perhaps its rooted in christian faith because, well, most of the western world is, and how can this exist without a root of some kind? This is transcending its roots, I suppose. Rooted in christian faith but aspiring for no particular faith at all. All encompassing, all accepting, which is probably why they call it 'the unity center'. This class is really about how to be 'wise' and by wisdom we are talking about lifelong 'being', being in the world in a way that flows with all the energies of life, living a righteous life, enjoying life, and being truly happy. Its about looking inward, not up (or down, or left or right, depending on what religious direction you choose). Its a 'path to self' kind of thing, but not hokey or new agey or crystal bally or any of that. And I thought it was the kind of thing I needed.

anyway, the class was great. I was surprised at how openly people were chiming in to talk about things when prompted (I was terrified to open my mouth, see the church story above...) and quickly realized that most of these people probably attend this church on a weekly basis, and being so small, probably all know one another outside of these classes, and they addressed the professor by his first name, which was far more intimate than I had planned to get in these sessions, and whoa... what have I gotten myself into? But it was great to be in a room hearing professor speak again, and even though I had heard some of the stories before I enjoyed them again just the same. And what he spoke about felt good, and I was happy to be apart of that again. When class was over, a few people milled around him to say hi so I darted out the door as quickly as I could. I wasnt sure he'd recognize me anyway.

and last week, the second class, the professor knelt beside me prior to class to say hello. that really made me feel at ease, as i wasn't even sure he'd remember me and i was sure i stuck out like a sore thumb in that room of familiar faces. but simply the fact that he took a moment to personally say hello meant a lot. i've really been enjoying the discussions, though i dont really partake, just listen, absorb.

but tonight... (class three) was different. i've been having a day. i mean one of those days, you know, the kind of awful days that make your life miserable when you're easily angered and agitated. Like the days I swore i'd never give into again. i worked last night until 10pm, and found out once i was there that i had been added to the schedule for today at 8am, when i had planned to be off and accomplish all my housekeeping and errand running, before a friend's visit later this week. after little sleep i trudged back into work carrying the rest of last night's work frustration, and it snowballed. i did some shopping afterwards for my husband's care package, and with it decided to replenish foods for the pets and a bit for myself, and spent twice what i had budgeted, and took up more time than i had wanted. so by the time i got home i figured i had just enough time to eat quickly, nap quickly, change clothes and run out the door.

but alas, when i got home i found the dog had drug the trash across the floor that i had mopped two days ago, full of used coffee grounds. i dropped to my knees to sweep it all back into the trash bag and decided to take it to the trash can outside before we went for round three (she did this yesterday, too... i know, shame on me for not taking it out before). so i peddled down the back stairs and toward the garbage can when the entire bottom of my paper sack fell out, and the pile of garbage landed in the center of the neighbor's driveway. so i threw out the empty bag, and went upstairs to get my dustpan and brush. back downstairs to sweep up the driveway (now being the third time I had swept up this lump of trash), and dump it all into the trashcan. back upstairs, i ate quickly, changed clothes twice, and sat to read a few moments of email in an effort to keep awake, because, now, i didnt have enough time to nap. i left the house ten minutes later than i wanted, to find an empty tank of gas. i hauled up the street to the gas station and realized i forgot my purse. thankfully, my debit card was in the car and i was able to use my last $10 to get me where i needed to go. i arrived with no time to spare.

class began as usual and i immediately calmed with the opening meditation. in fact, i felt like i could curl up and sleep. it was the most relaxed I've been for two days. probably since last week. we jumped in as usual. I felt totally distracted this time because I was tired and couldn't focus, but also because professor was wearing Birkenstocks. That was odd to me because I've never been taught by or in a meeting headed by someone in sandals. I then realized it was spring break and why should he dress up if he doesnt have to go to work? And really, why does it matter anyway? Because I have a weird thing about feet. Not an obsession, but I guess more like an anti obsession. I don't like feet. Even my own. I dont like seeing other people's feet, its sort of an intimate thing I think, even though I wear sandals all summer long. But whatever, that's me, not other people. Especially men. Weird in my head, I know. But THEN, the guy in the front row diagonally across from me took off his flip flops and was running his feet through grandma's thick mauve carpet, and yeah I'm sure it was super soft, but man – you're in a semi-formal public place. You just dont do that. But whatever, it doesn't matter, give it up, stop projecting your weird ideas onto other people, heather. Its nice that they both feel so comfortable they can wear totally open shoesies and run their little piggies through the carpet. Ooh, but now he's rubbing his feet on the leg of the piano, good lord will somebody please move it out of his way? Let it go, heather. Let it go. Redirect your attention...

yawn, read ahead, listen intently, yawn even though i don't want to and its really not a sign of boredom. think 'sure, this all makes sense and i need to study it more'. The lecture portion of the class closes, and professor prompts everyone to chime in with reflections, personal thoughts. I amaze at how much personal information these people are just throwing out there and who really cares? We're here to listen to professor's information, not your life story. I get annoyed at other people talking so much, but then someone said something that really knocked me over. and i don't even remember what it was exactly.

no no... i remember now. professor was sharing his day at Costco observing people eating lunch together, taking care of elderly spouses, disabled children, etc. he was pointing out how beautiful it was to watch people take care of one another and enjoy life in the face of so much struggle. It made me think of my husband, how much I miss him, how I had taken care of him when he needed me, and even now he and I would take care of each other like that – if we could only be together. How i'd almost take that situation in a heartbeat, because at least we'd be together. And I began to get weepy, so I put my head down a bit and just listened.

Then a woman spoke up. Her comment had to do with choosing to be happy, not asking 'when is my happiness going to come? when is it my turn to be happy? when can i catch a break?'  and it came from the exact women i rolled my internal eyes at because i thought she shared too much. then i wanted to hug her. she shared a story about her husband [I think – my head started spinning and it all gets a little fuzzy here] catching a virus on an airplane to europe that immediately began to deteriorate his brain and cause his inability to create any new long term memory, causign him to lose is livelihood as a chemist or somesuch important academic mentally-challenging field like that. and i thought, wow, i've been so selfish.  yes i've been separated from my husband for three months, with still two months to go. yes, i have been miserably unhappy in san diego, extremely lonely and resentful of being here. yes, i have envied every woman that walks within a quarter-mile radius with a baby in tow. yes, i have envied couples walking hand in hand, bickering over which lettuce to buy - how dare they waste any moment they have together when there are two people (ie. Me and jm) who really love each other and are half a planet apart...

really? who am i to insinuate that anyone else on the planet is wasting anything? especially when it has been me all this time wasting myself, and my chance to be happy in this town, in this moment, in this life. it brought me to tears. It was like I was hit in the face with a shovel, cartoon like, vibrating my skull and letting out a reverberating ddddddooooooonnnnnnnngggggg.

i couldn't help it. tears started to roll down my cheeks and i tucked my head down so no one would see. after a moment or two i reached for a tissue in the seatbox in front of me and wiped my chin. then my nose. then a minute later i finally wiped my eyes. you know, playing it off. Alergies, right?

It was exactly the breakthrough I needed, it was what I needed for all of this to sink in. I'd been hearing all of this information, all of this insight, but not listening. I had been thinking about it all, but not feeling it, not really absorbing it, living it, breathing it. at that moment everything I had been carrying around lifted away (well, a good portion of it anyway) and I felt like I finally introduced myself to ..myself. I suddenly felt connected to everyone in the room, and the air became clearer, lighter, sweeter. I could breathe again. How foolish i've been.

When we left, as I started down the stairs, I could smell Spring long before I reached the door. It was the perfect mix of blooming deserts after a cleansing rain, crisp and cool night air, and the salty-ocean in the distance. I felt renewed. And now I might have it in me to get through the next 63 days, and focus on hawaii again.

...'and that's what it's all about!'