an experiment

yestserday, and thursday for that matter, i tried to keep a mental record of how many people politely asked "how are you?" after i had asked them first. the results were depressing.

for example, a polite, albeit insincere, converstation may go something like this:
"hello! How are you today?"
"I'm great. How are you?"
"I'm doing well, thank you. Did you find everything ok today?"
"I did! this spinich dip is fabulous..."

you get the idea.

However, more than 50% of the people that came through my line didnt return any polite conversation at all. It was more like this:

"Hi, how are you today?"
"fine."

With which the coversation ends and as I bag their groceries in silence, with a twinge of irritation at their obvious rudeness, I pinch their bread and put heavy things on top of their tomatoes.

Even if you dont like me, think I look weird, or are having a shitty day, at least play the public image politics and be nice to the person who is working on a Saturday to serve you.

creep.

so i'm sitting in the coffee bean and tea leaf. my noon class was cancelled, leaving me with three hours to kill before bio lab. without any lunch to speak of and no enthralling religious discussion to take my mind off of hunger pains, i decided to take the quick jaunt to work to grab a wrap, and head to TCB&TL to make use of their free wi-fi... upon entering, there is a set of three cushy chairs around a marble-esque table on the left side, a cushy chair solo in the right, and a handful of small wood tables and chairs about. there was a businessy man camped in the middle of the three cushy chairs, so i camped in the solo cushy chair on the right. after a handful of minutes typing away here, i just had to look up. and he was staring at me. not like the, we just happened to look up at the same time kind of staring.. it was the i looked over and got lost and so i'm just going to keep staring at you with a look on my face that makes you not really want to know whats going on inside my head cuz i'm a creepy office predator kind-of-stare.

so yeah.

melissa's bachelorette

last night we took melissa to dinner at the Wrigley Mansion in Phoenix to celebrate her marriage. She wanted the four of us to get all gussied up and have a nice dinner, rather than a rediculous embarrassing bachelorette party.

We got lost, of course, getting to the mansion. The home is beautiful, though under-budgeted and not as upkept as I'd have imagined. You are free to wander the home, but most rooms are either empty or filled with large tables and chairs for banquets or meetings.

dinner is a relatively private room, only six tables, seated in a room full of floor to ceiling windows with a view of the city from the Biltmore looking south. Dinner was delish, with complimentary champagne, and desert was fab.

All in all, it was a wonderful night. I wanted just an evening with the girls, a time to relax with friends and thats exactly what we did. I feel a peace in me that i've been missing for a while with such a hectic schedule and no friends to spend time with. Melissa had an equally lovely time, and that is really what matters most.

sigh of relief

i hit a breaking point yesterday, emotional, zombified and exhausted - i've been going 7 days a week and havnt had a full day off in close to a month. i've gotten to the point that all i do when i'm home is sleep. the house is a MESS, which stresses me out. i've lost all energy to cook, so i've been eating poorly, which doesnt help my energy level. i'm so tired, in fact, that i've been making lots of mistakes. i miskeyed my acct number on two bills and racked up $50 in charges. i'm a zombie at work, which is dangerous. money has been a huge stressor since JM left (long story). so i went on a binge and ordered a pair of shoes from DSW (they had a big online clearance event) and stupid fedex turned the pkg over the post office to deliver - AND I'VE LOST MY MAIL KEY! so there's a fabulous pair of brand new shoes sitting in our mailbox and i cant get to them. taunting me. i have two tests this coming week that i'm not prepared for. i work tonight till 10pm, open tomorrow at 7am with school till 7pm, then tuesday school runs from 930am to 7pm, wednesday i work at 830am with school till 730pm, and thursday runs school at 9am with work till 10pm. i just cant catch a break.

so i broke down and rearranged my work availability. starting ths week, with my trip to phoenix, i have every friday off until the holidays. So, friday... yeah, i can hardly wait. i'm so excited i can barely stand it.

totally overwhelmed...

i havn't had a day off since i was sick almost three weeks ago, and that was only because i missed two days of school in a flu coma on the couch. i am totally wiped out.

next weekend i am travelling to phx for a bachelorette party, a bridal shower, and two birthday parties. two weeks ago i dreamed that i was at work on the night of bachelorette party and that everyone was so mad at me for being late... so i asked one of the managers to double check that i had requested the right days off because i was worried. we checked, and the dates were correct. so when i got to work yesterday and checked my schedule for next week - lo and behold they scheduled me to work on friday. i had to leave a note for the schedule girl to let her know, and i also asked her to give me a permanent day off on the weekend so that i can at least have one day off a week. we'll pick up that discussion when i get in today. who knows how that will go over.

i really wish i could just be unemployed again and focus on school. i have two tests this week that i am not prepared for. homework aplenty that i havn't done. packing to do. apt hunting that needs to be done. laundry. house cleaning. all things i just cant get done with four hours a day that i have to myself. on top of the stress of our growing financial obligations, and loneliness of my husband having been gone for six weeks...i'm loosing it, sincerely.

i'm going to offer my shift to anyone who wants it tomorrow. tampon-and-tequila girl at work is always begging for hours. if she wants it, she can have it.

and now i have 35 minutes before i have to get ready for work...

another day.

waiting for the hubbs to call.

i packed my books and dvds today. i bathed the dog last night, so she's fresh and clean today. her belly is red and irritated from the fleas. poor thing. hopefully we killed them all.

i felt productive for a while. then i went to my biology class. then i came home, with intent to be much more productive, but sat down to eat dinner and watch the new ghost hunters and havnt moved since.

i should sleep soon, too. school tomorrow morning.

but i dont have to work tomorrow. i need to decide how to spend my afternoon: homework, housework, or relaxing.

8/29/09 - where'd the rest of august go?

i really need to get into the habit of updating this everyday again. i go months without writing and then am sorry that i dont keep a scribe of my life, since my memory is so awful.

I got a postcard from the hubbs the other day: Made in Hong Kong, purchased in Hawaii and mailed from Australia. How's that for the prime example of the global market? ha.

I miss him terribly, and feel like I'm just going through the motions while he's away. Still trying desperately to organize my life, and it seems that as soon as I feel like I get it in control I do laundry and it all goes to hell after that, haha. Started to 'pack'... well, I put a dozen coffee mugs in a box. Its a start! I really should start looking for a new place to live. SDSU starts monday so I'm sure all the summer rentals will come up this weekend. Wish me luck.

Need more coffee, work in two hours... so far behind in homework!

ICE

School started last week and I'm behind already. Classes M-Th and work Th-Sun, so I do not have days off anymore. I had the ultimate earth shattering realization yesterday that without a day off, every day is essentially a Monday. i was heartbroken. I'm already feeling it, and think I'm getting sick to boot.

Had my 'final' appt with the reproductive endocrinologist today, and he's settled on my diagnosis with Poly cystic Ovarian Syndrome, which is a fancy term for an incurable hormone imbalance. Essentially I don't make what I need and my ovaries dont work properly. Official suggestion is to go back on the ring until we decide to have kids and deal with fertility issues then, i.e. "until you want a baby and are prepared to spend thousands of dollars don't come back again' ...

I have also developed tendinitis in my right wrist, but when i get xrays for that i have convinced my dr to get xrays of my spine so we can get our insurance to pay for chiropractic and physical therapy for my scoliosis. now if i can just get a front tooth...

on the upside of life, i got a nice review at work and a 50 cent raise, so I'm watching my empathy for humanity wither away while stocking organic produce for a whopping $11.50 an hour.

i've narrowly missed two car accidents today, the second was on the freeway where i had to slam on my brakes to avoid getting my front end taken off, fishtailed in and out of two lanes, where, fortunately, no one was beside me. i was terrified i was going to spin or flip, but somehow made it out alive and untouched, but cried all the way home. so, uh, if anything happens to me while jm is away, please contact Kelly Griffiths on my Facebook friends list, as she is the liaison to his ship and can contact him in an emergency. lol. nervous LOL...

Please excuse my cynicism, but, though i nearly escaped death, i feel it slightly warmed over and all i want is a hug and a nap. and the dog still has fleas so i'll be lucky to get the nap. lol.

what not to do in my grocery store... (a work in progress)

1. ask for a couple boxes, then ask for 10 more because you are moving. hire a mover or get a job in lowly retail where free boxes are one your only perks.

2. snatch a dozen paper bags from my bagging station without asking.

3. eat half a cookie given at our demo table and toss your uneaten bits in the shelf behind the spice jars.

4. race in front of another customer to the check out stand and proudly proclaim 'haha, i beat her' when you get to me. i will dig my dirty fingernails into your produce.

dream.

last night i fell asleep on the couch. i just awoke, dreaming that the pacific hurricane elevated water levels here, flooding the streets, and the entire first floor of all the nearby buildings. fortunately for us, our first floor is the garage, so we all were safe. my friend pam was visiting.

i was worried about my husband, because he was in hawaii, where the hurricane was scheduled to hit. i wanted to call him desperately, but my phone needed charging. i looked out my window to see the dark clouds in the distance, only to realize that the water levels were lapping my balcony (which suddenly had a open spot in it where a gate should have been). i wanted to take a picture to send to him, like he had done for me, but as soon as i stepped out and saw the high water, a wave splashed up onto the deck and scared me, so i ran back inside. shortly thereafter, though, i saw my husband's cat in the water just off the balcony, and i ran back out to get him. he was bobbing around in the swell, and i layed on the deck and reached out into the water to grab him. both safe, we went inside and i dried him off the best i could with a gray t-shirt.

i decided it best to take a picture through the window, but as i did, a giant wave rolled in and covered the windows of the second floor. my sliding glass door held tight, and the water remained for only a moment and retreated quickly, but my panic grew bigger.

i tried again to take a picture, but this time through a small window (that i dont really have) and steered clear of the sliding glass door. when i opened my phone to take the picture, and the digital image illuminated in front of me, i saw a man holding a young girl wading through the high waters. i instantly ran to the sliding glass door and opened it. the sun was setting behind the black clouds and i knew if i didnt help them they would be lost at sea. i feared the worst was yet to come.

i ran to the door, that this time did not face the sea, but to a neighboring condo which created a mini hallway between between buildings. a mexican family stood there soaked to the bone and their little girl was crying. the man i had seen through my camera lens was there with his wife and mother, and the little girl. i ushered them in.

just as i began to close the door, a group of kids (early 20s probably) came rushing to my door. there was one girl, a blonde, and three or four guys. she was panicked. they were drunk. i rushed them in the door, knowing time was not on my side, and while anticipating another wave, i yelled for them all to get it together, get inside before i close the f'ing door.

i made sure everyone was ok. i just wanted to call my husband. but this is where the chaos insued, and my dream took a wacky turn. somehow the mexican family disappeared. i didnt see them again.

we made it through the night, bunkered down like we were facing the end of the world. i tried my best to keep coffee going, and all the while was embarrassed that my house wasnt clean.

late night, when the condo was dark, i heard a whirring vibrating sound coming from the top level (of which my place took on a whole new shape), when i stood at the bottom of the stairs and looked up, i could see through to the ceiling, similar to the place i lived in turkey, where the stairs wound around the perimiter of the home. there was a ceiling fan at the very top and i feared it was going bad = either coming loose, or wacky wiring. the last thing we needed was for our fortress to be attacked by an electrical fire.

fear stunted me, and with my back to the wall at the bottom of the stairs i called out "does anyone know anything about electricity?" one of the guys with really dark hair came to my side and we slowly climbed the stairs to the second-to-last level. the whole time i kept my back to the wall and slowly slid up the stairs. i remember it was cool to the touch, but it was solid, and that's what i needed.

i realized what the noise was. my sister lived in the loft at the top, and she had a massaging bed. she must have turned it on. and i began to laugh, and leaned against the wall, where i could feel the vibrations, and i called out to the guy climbing the last bit of stairs that i had figured it out and not to go up there. but he started to, and my sister awoke. she had been sleeping the whole time and was unaware of what was going on. (and to this point i was oblivious that she lived with me.)

morning came slowly, and tensions were getting high. my husband's friend richard was suddenly there, being a great support. my friend tim was there too, and at one point he helped me gather the cats from outside under cars (?). when i took ellis in, she had magenta synthetic hairs plugged into her skin from the top of her head all the way down her back. they didnt seem to bother her, but startled me at first, until i remembered that was my fault because of the chicken costume i had put her in a few days back. (?!)

i lit a candle in a large glass jar, a homemade candle reusing an old mayonnaise jar or something. the blond girl argued with me about it. i fought with her about functionality vs fashion and the real idea of reusing and recycling. for some reason she was sitting beside the table writing a letter on her stationary, complete with colored tulips, peace signs, recycle symbols and other hippie-esque things. i called her out, getting in her face about on her 'fashionable' paper that touted environmental issues but was printed with chemically enhanced colored ink on non-recycled paper. i really got in her face, and i was somewhat proud of myself for it, empowered almost. then i tossed her pseudo-hippie and her un-environmentally friendly non-recycled stationary out the door into the hallway. but had a second thought, and pulled her in again, with a hug, and told her how sorry i was, and that i was just scared.

i made a goal for myself, to make it downstairs to get the phone charger, charge my phone, and call my husband. and as i set off to do this, a short man, like shorter than me, came down wearing a ghostbusters jumpsuit and asked me where jon-mark kept the proton packs. i knew i needed his help, but was on task to clean the house and charge my phone, so i told him to wait. (??!!) the other people were getting anxious and wanted to leave. i asked richard if he was going to leave too, though when i talked to him i didnt see his face, just his chest (he's tall) but i knew it was him. he was wearing a soft camel colored corduroy button up, which i wanted to pet, and earphones. he said he wouldn't leave me, that he knew what kind of support i needed, and he was there to provide it. he would help me see it through.

and i woke up. confused. on the couch. looking out onto the dark balcony, afraid that it was stormy and flooded. it took me a few minutes to get it together. but i peeled myself off the couch, finally, and here, to write this all down.

the sun is beginning to rise. its going to be another beautiful day in san diego.

the weather channel says that Enrique is weakening each day, and that Felicia is weakening too. by the time she hits hawaii she will be only a tropical storm causing no major damage.

its only 3am in hawaii. i think i'll email him anyway.