Tuesday, March 17, 2009

the battle of marge and modern communications

some old lady named marge keeps calling and leaving messages on our machine wishing grace a happy birthday.

the first message said something to the effect of 'gee, i hope this is for grace. this message is to wish you a happy birthday. we're going out for dinner and if we don't get back too late i'll call you again.'

our message on the answering machine clearly states our names. neither of which are grace.

the second message sounded a little exhasperated '...sigh...this is marge again. i'll keep trying you. hope you're having a happy day.'

i think i'll change our message to 'hi, you've reached jon-mark and heather zalapa. please leave a message. PS - Grace doesnt live here.'

or perhaps just 'grace's not here, man...'

i wonder how many family arguments are started this way. old granny calls everyone on their birthday and gets upset when no one calls her back to thank her. the rest of the family quits calling crotchety old marge because she never calls anyone for their birthday. meanwhile, dozens of unrelated citizens spin in confusion at the random assortment of birthday wishes they get on their machines for total strangers, followed up by snappy verbal assaults from the old ladies when their initial messages were left unreturned.

i mean, i'd be happy to call marge and let her know she's probably forgetting to dial the 1+area code for her beloved grace, but the old bat doesn't leave her phone number in her messages and her phone number comes up as a blocked call.

i suppose i could just answer the phone next time, but:

1) I could get stuck listening to twenty minutes of marge fussing over how many times she's had to call and why couldn't grace (me) just call her back two hours ago and save her all the trouble, and her hip hurts and don't i (grace) understand how hard it is for her (marge) to see the numbers on the dang ole telephone and damn these electronic contraptions nowadays and her arthritis is acting up and oh by the way she ran into edna at the grocery market the other day and her cousin's nephew sammy just had twins and he said to tell me (grace) hello, and don't you think you (me/grace) would have ended up happier if you'd have gone out with him instead of larry and then you (me/grace) could have had twins just like sammy and ... i could tell her off, and make an ass out of myself (grace) and make grace the black sheep of the family. then grace would get pounded with angry phone calls from everyone she knows tearing her up and down for being so mean to sweet auntie marge, and when grace denies all of the above allegations, said angry family would either 86 grace and make her run off with no-one-liked-him-to-begin-with larry, or label sweet auntie marge a kook and throw her in a 'home' ... i could have fun with that.

2) that would defeat my being a hermit. i don't particularly like old people anyway, so phooey on you, marge, and your inability to decipher names on an answering machine. take your pills and go watch your 'programs' and quit dialing strangers' phone numbers. if you cant see the numbers or hear the people on the other end you should probably not be allowed to use the phone, or for that matter to talk to people at all, whether you know them or not.

and so the saga continues...


Fury said...

Hi Marge, It's Grace. Sorry I missed your call and you got that little young whipper snapper instead. She is a real doozy isn't she. Yeah she thinks sand dollars are good for the dollar store. What are we going to do with this new generation. Had a good Birthday wish you could have been with me, next time bypass the little whipper snapper and call me instead. the number is 1-617- GO BINGO. Love ya you old fool. Grace

Fury said...

The REAL Fury( the other Fury was Mom) says: What was that old lady's name on Ellen? The you tube video that cracked everyone up? I bet that was Marge! At least that's how I picture her in your story. The next message she'll be telling you she likes God and drinks a little! Have fun with it! You could end up with the best laugh you've had in a long time!

Heather Zalapa said...

I'm sorry that this blog has inspired such a large case of identity crisis... :(

Fury said...

No identity crisises here...just goofy family members. lol Mom didnt want to have to create a gmail to make a post. lol

Heather Zalapa said...

...laziness. :p