Thursday, April 2, 2009

consistantly inconsistant

i'm feeling like the weather today: odd and inconsistant. it is april. it is spring. yet each day grows increasingly cold and gloomy. the ocean is almost black and the wind comes and goes. after living in phoenix for so many years i thought i'd be happy to get rid of the sun, but today i am craving it.

school has been good this week. i'm caught up on everything except english, because its time consuming and i can't get myself to sit down long enough to read what i need to read and write what i need to write. i'm antsy and anxious about crafting and have been spending every day organizing my craft space and then tearing it up again. systematically creating a ton of work for the next day.

the girl that sits behind me in economics class asked me to help her study for our test tomorrow. i really had no objection to that and agreed to do it prematurely, only to find out that she works till five today and cannot study until six pm. which means i wont get dinner with the hubbs and probably won't get to see him today as he'll likely be in bed before i get home, and i wont see him tomorrow because he has duty... without thinking all of that through i agreed to it anyway, i think she caught me at a weak moment. so i'm waiting for her to call... [update: she never called]

i came home and cleaned out my car. i figure if i'm going to sell it i need to clean it. so i did. sort of. i vacuumed the inside and armor-all'd the hell out of it. but i havn't washed it in ages so it seems silly. i started to clean the windows but found that 409's super streakless formula is the streakiest i've ever seen. it was like rubbing olive oil on the windsheild. and so now that the inside is clean i have to make a pitstop on the way to said girl's house to clean the windows all over again.

the dog is asleep. the cats are asleep. i want to be asleep. if i nap now i'll not sleep tonight.

at dinner last night we discussed my unemployment position. even without the car, i'd have to sell at least $100 per week in crafts to cover myself, and i've not even made that in a month yet... it seems i have this wonderful opporunity that i don't want to pass up, and will regret if i do, however i do not have the means to seize it. there is too much financial obligation in the way. so we're back to this: i have to find a job.

i have limited time with my husband, which i do not want to waste if he is not out to sea. more than half the year next year will be lived without him so i don't want to squander a moment this year... but my school schedule does not allow me to work a full day, and i dont want to work passed 6pm or on weekends... and in this economy i'll be hard pressed to find an employer flexible to those hours. i just don't know what to do. another retail job will be easy to find, but i will run the risk of working until 10pm (and going days on end without seeing the hubbs) and working weekends, which leaves me without a day off...

so i wobble on the fine line i have landed on and i don't know which way to lean.

and so now i think i'll go to the couch, watch some cable tv, enjoy our last day together, because i have to cancel that tomorrow.